Loneliness

Wow, time gets away fast!  I shall try to pick up where I left off.   Emma was mine, but I wasn't allowed to do anything I wanted to do with her.  Feeding, diaper changes, bath time, even just holding her all had to be scheduled.  She was labeled "feed and grow".  How hard to become a mother for the very first time and have to have Doctors and nurses dictate what you can and can't do with your child.   So, I spent the next 5 days in the hospital, for the most part confined to my lonely hospital room.  Visitors trailed off or didn't come at all because they weren't even allowed to see Emma, unless they were a brother/sister/grandma/grandpa...so that left few options.  Life for everyone else seemed to pick up where they left off, everyone but me.   So the time came for me to decide what to do, go home without my child or stay in the lonely depressing hospital and wait for a Doctor or nurse to tell me what to do for my child......I chose to go home.  I was exhausted, so on Tuesday afternoon my mom came to the hospital, I held Emma one more time, packed my bags and walked out on my own two feet. (why is it in the movies you see new moms being wheeled out in a wheelchair? I've had 3 children and walked out each time!)  I really felt no emotion, just kept my head up and left.....left her behind.   It wasn't until we were half way down the drive of the hospital the tears began to flow.....and they wouldn't stop, what was I doing, was I making the right decision, should I stay????  Oh the questions and no answers, so I left for home.   So, now what?  I'm home, I look and feel like I just had a baby but what do I have to show for it???  A few polaroids in my purse, some half dead flowers and a surgery that makes it so that I can't even drive to see my new child....DAMN....I was angry!!!!!   Now looking back, I do feel I made the right decision by going home, I did get the rest I needed, recovery went well and it all worked out.  I visited anytime I could get a ride to the hospital and Brian made sure every night after work we both would go and made it so that we were there for feeding times.   So, I never had a birth plan, thank goodness, because this was far from a plan.  I did however plan on breastfeeding, so this was a hurdle I had to jump over!  With Emma being premature breast milk was best for her, so I took upon a new job......every 3 hours day/night I hooked up to the dreaded breast pump, which soon became Emma's lifeline for 9 LONG months, but another decision I look back on and feel I was oh so right!!!!   Ok, moving on......so for 18 days I was home, Brian back and work and I would hitch a ride when I could.  After 7 days I got the ok from the Dr to drive, thank goodness, because I'm sure I would have anyway, nothing was going to keep me from being with her when I could!   Ok, so day 18, I get a call from Emma's Dr, which I never knew what to expect when those calls came.  It was always seeming to be, well we need to do and EKG or she keeps having Apnea spells or something else, well this call was AMAZING....she was coming home!!!!!!    I cried, and cried, the poor Dr probably thought I was a crazy woman! So that night, I packed our bags, Brian met me at the hospital that night after work, I went early in the afternoon and had control of MY BABY....for once in 18 days she felt like mine, in a way!  We had to stay overnight with her, just to be sure we would be ok I guess!!!   It was heaven on earth, I could hold her when I wanted, feed her as needed, change her, bathe her, dress her up.  I recall one incident, I made a phone call as she was resting on my chest and I was just chatting away and the person on the other end said, "where are you, I hear a baby"......yes, I was an official momma!   So in those days, I experienced, nervousness, excitement, joy, sorrow, sadness, pain and loneliness....oh the loneliness in it all is exhausting to think of.   I don't know anyone, other than a mother of a premature baby, would or could ever understand what those 19 days were like. I and hope to any of you reading this you don't have to experience it at all, but if by chance you have or currently are, maybe my story will help in some way.   That seems to be my plan for this blog, to help anyone that I can.  Being a mom really has taught me so much in life and I feel the need to share!!!!! Until next time, hopefully sooner than later I will get into life at home with a newborn.....

Flooded with memories!

Now that I have taken the time to start this blog I find myself thinking back to those first moments, hours and days of being a mom.  My journey did not start off like I planned or even hoped, it was not like the stories you hear... it was anything but typical. 

I recall having heartburn so badly the night before having Emma that all I wanted to do was drink something but I couldn't I was scheduled for an 8am c-section and drinking was not allowed.   Arriving at the hospital at 6am that chilly February morning, my nerves a mess, all the unknown of what the next few hours would bring.  Now I look back an photos and see just how nervous my husband was to but that day I didn't see it or maybe I just didn't want to see it.  The chances of my newborn baby girl of being rushed off via helicopter to the Children's hospital before I could even hold her were very high and the only thing I had left to do was pray....and I did. 

I entered the OR on my own two feet...greeted by what seemed to be an overly crowded operating room....I didn't realize the severity of the situation until that moment....Dr's and nurses from Children's waiting patiently to wisk my sick little girl off in a moments notice, my husband entered....tears in his eyes, I'm sure the sight of your wife on an operating table with your first born child's life in someone else's hands can be overwhelming....and the they began.....

8:03am, Emma was born.....from what I've heard she was as blue as a baby could be and still be alive, 1st apgar of 1...not looking good....the operating room was quiet everyone around me on edge and again not something I realized was out of the ordinary until years later when my 2nd child was born (everything normal) and the operating room was like a comedy show! 

Finally....a newborn baby's cry!!!  Minutes later, me still lying on the table, a nurse brought her over all wrapped up in a blanket all I could see was her little nose and her daddy's eyes!  What a beautiful moment...and then she was gone.  My husband and I cried together, parents yes, with a baby we still had no idea as to what the next hours may bring.

Back to my room I went and to be honest...for hours it seems I had NO idea where my baby was or even who was with her, sad now to think about it.  I don't know the exact time frame but finally a Dr was brought to my room to give me the news....Emma was doing fine, extremely small yes, needing assistance for things yes...but doing well, PTL (Praise The Lord!)  At this point I was prepared for her to be taken to another hospital while I had to recover on my own and was prepared to break out of my room (yes, even after having a c-section) just to be by her side.  And then, he said it...she's well enough to stay at the same hospital (it was a Level II nursery not an actual NICU)  Yay!  Momma and baby get to stay together!

Over the next few hours I was given Polaroid photos of her from my parents (digital was not like it is now) visitors came and went....and I still hadn't gotten to hold MY baby.....or even see her again for that matter.  Finally, I was wheeled down to see her, wow, I was not prepared for what I saw. I was still not permitted to hold her...all I could do was put my hand into her isolette and touch her briefly...I was tired, sore and oh so confused, this day was not at all as I had ever imagined it would be....and so begins my journey into motherhood.....

First time for everything!

So, after saying for 6 years that I was going to keep a journal for my daughter and still haven't started one...today is the day!  Not only for my oldest daughter this will become the journal for all three of my children...I'm so good at taking pictures but terrible about the writing part...I really hope blogging helps.