Loneliness

Wow, time gets away fast!  I shall try to pick up where I left off.   Emma was mine, but I wasn't allowed to do anything I wanted to do with her.  Feeding, diaper changes, bath time, even just holding her all had to be scheduled.  She was labeled "feed and grow".  How hard to become a mother for the very first time and have to have Doctors and nurses dictate what you can and can't do with your child.   So, I spent the next 5 days in the hospital, for the most part confined to my lonely hospital room.  Visitors trailed off or didn't come at all because they weren't even allowed to see Emma, unless they were a brother/sister/grandma/grandpa...so that left few options.  Life for everyone else seemed to pick up where they left off, everyone but me.   So the time came for me to decide what to do, go home without my child or stay in the lonely depressing hospital and wait for a Doctor or nurse to tell me what to do for my child......I chose to go home.  I was exhausted, so on Tuesday afternoon my mom came to the hospital, I held Emma one more time, packed my bags and walked out on my own two feet. (why is it in the movies you see new moms being wheeled out in a wheelchair? I've had 3 children and walked out each time!)  I really felt no emotion, just kept my head up and left.....left her behind.   It wasn't until we were half way down the drive of the hospital the tears began to flow.....and they wouldn't stop, what was I doing, was I making the right decision, should I stay????  Oh the questions and no answers, so I left for home.   So, now what?  I'm home, I look and feel like I just had a baby but what do I have to show for it???  A few polaroids in my purse, some half dead flowers and a surgery that makes it so that I can't even drive to see my new child....DAMN....I was angry!!!!!   Now looking back, I do feel I made the right decision by going home, I did get the rest I needed, recovery went well and it all worked out.  I visited anytime I could get a ride to the hospital and Brian made sure every night after work we both would go and made it so that we were there for feeding times.   So, I never had a birth plan, thank goodness, because this was far from a plan.  I did however plan on breastfeeding, so this was a hurdle I had to jump over!  With Emma being premature breast milk was best for her, so I took upon a new job......every 3 hours day/night I hooked up to the dreaded breast pump, which soon became Emma's lifeline for 9 LONG months, but another decision I look back on and feel I was oh so right!!!!   Ok, moving on......so for 18 days I was home, Brian back and work and I would hitch a ride when I could.  After 7 days I got the ok from the Dr to drive, thank goodness, because I'm sure I would have anyway, nothing was going to keep me from being with her when I could!   Ok, so day 18, I get a call from Emma's Dr, which I never knew what to expect when those calls came.  It was always seeming to be, well we need to do and EKG or she keeps having Apnea spells or something else, well this call was AMAZING....she was coming home!!!!!!    I cried, and cried, the poor Dr probably thought I was a crazy woman! So that night, I packed our bags, Brian met me at the hospital that night after work, I went early in the afternoon and had control of MY BABY....for once in 18 days she felt like mine, in a way!  We had to stay overnight with her, just to be sure we would be ok I guess!!!   It was heaven on earth, I could hold her when I wanted, feed her as needed, change her, bathe her, dress her up.  I recall one incident, I made a phone call as she was resting on my chest and I was just chatting away and the person on the other end said, "where are you, I hear a baby"......yes, I was an official momma!   So in those days, I experienced, nervousness, excitement, joy, sorrow, sadness, pain and loneliness....oh the loneliness in it all is exhausting to think of.   I don't know anyone, other than a mother of a premature baby, would or could ever understand what those 19 days were like. I and hope to any of you reading this you don't have to experience it at all, but if by chance you have or currently are, maybe my story will help in some way.   That seems to be my plan for this blog, to help anyone that I can.  Being a mom really has taught me so much in life and I feel the need to share!!!!! Until next time, hopefully sooner than later I will get into life at home with a newborn.....